Sometimes life hugs us so tight, that it gets the best out of us.
Lately I got so squeezed by the grip of life that even my ‘tough Russian cookie” Self crumbled.
A part of me likes to be independent and self-sufficient and have a kind of “I need no one” attitude…..
I am a cool duddess, I am a Power House. I am a Sparkle of Consciousness learning to be a human being. I am also a teacher, a dreamer, a writer. I overcome my own obstacles, I make decisions and take responsibilities for them, I deal with my humanness, and all that comes with it. I don’t like bothering others with my sh.t, I know we all have stuff to breathe through. I only want to have a good time with others. I always wanted to be a person to have fun with, to have the best time and best giggles with. I wanted to be in the ‘Joy Department’…. Always. I often make it there. But, hell, those trips in between are real pain in the butt! Maybe that is why I am so much fun when I make it there, because I know how shitty it is in all the other departments.
The longer I live, the more I learn not to be so damn proud and find the courage to be authentic and to be real.
Life is not always sunshine, ‘Joy Department’ is not all there is. Some experiences kick us in the face (or balls ) and leave us breathless. I am sure you got your own glance of that. It is how we handle it, right?
My short version of why I am so overwhelmed looks like this.
I live with auto- immune disorder since 14, I chose to handle it on my own, no doctors, thank you. I cannot eat what most people eat, I have to prepare almost each meal, hunting my super foods, so I know what my body gets. I have learned to have fun with it, don’t get me wrong here. Hey, i make the best Raw Chocolate because of that. I get sick easily if I don’t follow my strict discipline. Taking care of my health is freaking full-time job. On top of that I had to “delete” all the bloody pictures of my child abuse, not even to mention the disturbing experience of an expensive, forced-to-extend surgery to fix my broken nose, so I could breathe…… I got a “welcome to human life” gift from childhood that sits on my face. I made it to the point where I just love it all, but don’t start me on the work behind it. I was diagnosed with so many different disorders throughout my life that my head spins even trying to recall it. I work on myself relentlessly, I keep finding new ways to self-heal again and again, navigating through the bullshit of this world: the ways of a cold-hearted system and the health wrecking stuff that is called our “food”… In between all that, I run around, pretending to be normal, inspiring others how to be the best they can be and to find their own ways to navigate to ‘Joy Department’.
A few years ago i had this shocking experience of having a person after me for the whole year, wanting to destroy me, because I refused to be what his mind wanted me to be. I think it is called obsession. Never ending death-threats and non-numan cruelty towards another human being is not something i would wish even to Hitler himself. Oh, that was a tough one, surely it was tougher than my “tough cookie” wants to admit. May his Soul rest in peace, he took his life and I am no one to judge it.
I choose not to dwell on whether i created these experiences, consciously or unconsciously.
All I want to know, as a human being, is how I can learn to navigate through this overwhelming, ever-demanding experience called life. “Whoah, so much for one little girl” – I think to my lovely Self at times. Do I feel sorry for myself? Sometimes I do, but mostly, it is Compassion that I feel. Compassion for this weird thing called a Human Life. Perhaps that is why I have lots of it to offer to others.
So I looked for the ways to be and make it easier for myself. I took Self-Love classes, “Pull-Your-Gig-Together” courses, I had angelic healers, galactic doctors working on me. EFT, HLP, Kinesiology, Family Constellations, Shamanic Energy Work, you name it…. I had it. I was silent for 11 days and i had nothing but sun light for 21 days, it is called sunyoga, not to mention numerous detoxes and some super advanced lamps shining into my third eye. I meditate and do yoga for years to keep me sane and, guess what….. I still crumble. I am a Human. Fragile, sweet Human, just like all of us here.
I decided to look deeper into this subject. I took myself on an Honesty trip. I asked a serious question and i got a good answer. I saw the inner Truth of what I call “me”. My “tough cookie” Self got tired. I just want to feel loved and supported, that is all. I know, you feel it too. Not by one or two loyal friends, we want to feel loved by the world. We want to live in Harmony with each other. I know one thing for sure, when we are giving and loving, when we are present to each other’s needs and life experiences, we need no therapies, no healing is needed. Just being loved is healing enough.
Just our loving support, kind understanding is enough to make people feel recharged and inspired again. Did you know that?
Living in the messed up world where authenticity and vulnerability are still not as accepted as rigidity and coldness sucks. It has to change….. This is my decision for my life. I got over my pride and my independent ‘tough cookie’ attitude and i started asking people to be be kind to me.
When i see people pushing or forcing, or being insensitive and unaware around me, I take a deep breath, find the courage hiding somewhere in the unloved, neglected corner of myself, and I say “PLEASE, HANDLE ME WITH CARE. I AM FRAGILE. I AM A HUMAN. I am struggling, I am overwhelmed, I need all the love and all the support that I can get. If you cannot give it, I understand, but please don’t add to my overflowing cup.”
I am astonished at the results of this simple authenticity act. People are so much more Human than they are allowed to be.
I guess, they were right there “Ask and you shall receive”. I am glad I got over that damn pride. I thought i would share this in case it helps you to see what is it that you need. What kind of world do you want around you? What changes have you got to make? Remember, it all starts from the Self,
ps.if you follow me here, please note that my blog is moving to yogaofchange.com next month